Controlling or the unknown



This morning I woke up with noticing arrogance in my writing of yesterday. I always wanted to be a teacher of consciousness. But I failed. And with writing yesterday apparently the same habit showed up, thinking that I know. There was the rejection of my arrogance again. This time I refused. So during my morning activities I threw it out and suddenly I could see why I believed to reject my arrogance. And that my arrogance is a signal. This is not yet totally clear to me, I see that it has to do with having confidence, or more the lack of it… After some struggling to accept everything in me, even my mind with his negative thinking, and realising that my intentions are good, I could feel magic of life again.

At this moment in my life I feel nervous about what to do with my life and the unknown. For my birthday last week I bought gems for creating jewels of it. I felt that today I wanted to be creative with this. Tilasmi was already creative with gems in the past, so he can learn me about this. Being with the gems, looking and feeling, made me very relaxed. With making my first creation (the right one on the picture), my old habit of having to be the best came up. With laughing about this, suddenly the creation came by itself. Great!

My mind was there again with his old (negative) habits, I didn’t want to pay to much attention to it. I always tried to fight my mind with my mind, that never stops. So I use another strategy now;). We lunched with a friend (who is traveling since a few years) and we spoke about living with the flow and he told that his work always just comes. Having trust…

Tilasmi and I had an argue and finally it seemed for me that I have to choose between security and dying inside (as a die-hard controlfreak) or going for the unknown, feeling insecure and with that for adventure of life. Becoming conscious about this, suddenly my head was quiet again. The plan was leaving tomorrow to the North, but the bike needs suddenly an unexpected  repair. So we stay one more day here.


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About the Author:

Ilse was looking for a fulfilling life and being joyful for many years. Through a lot of learning experiences and becoming consciousness about it, finally fulfilling and joy are coming into her life.